Life on the compound started winding it’s way into reality as school approached. Our summer of swimming, sitting at the play ground and living in luxury was slowly grinding down as we all thought of the school year to come. That old sick feeling kept cropping up but I managed to shove it back another day until it had actually arrived. All of the questions that I could not answer kept coming to my weary mind, but having no solution meant trying to have a fun and relaxing summer for the kids. I had a strong resolve this new year and vowed I would not accept any more excuses or half truths about school conditions. The constant inquiries that I had insisted on, only returned the same predictable response, “We do not hit the students it is illegal“. Unraveling the real truth would take years and only become clear when I could actually enter a school. I had complained numerous times through him, but after we finally had a working phone in the apartment I dared to call the school. I rambled away in my kindergarten Arabic and found a sympathetic ear in a secretary who spoke English. I could not contain my anger and asked him if this was the religion, no it was not! If this was the treatment that was prescribed for children, no it was not. My lecture and harsh words did little to help until the day I refused to send them back to school. A letter listing my grievances was dropped off at the school gate, explaining my sons would not return until the conditions were met. The school principal and supervisors were not sure how to react to this but agreed, things would be different. This did buy us a couple of months at the end of the school year and no more problems occurred for that small time period.
When I lived in Seattle I had befriended a Syrian lady who was married to a Saudi. All these years later we met again in Al-Khobar. She was a lovely lady with impeccable manners and a taste for the finer things in life. She was truly shocked when I spoke of the problems we had encountered at the schools. She told me about a school in Dhaharan that was very nice and treated students well. My first sign that things might be different was the refreshing dress code for this school, a pair of jeans and white polo shirt. At first I thought this was a joke. At the previous school it was mandatory to wear a thobe (long white gown worn by men and boys). In addition to all of the other issues the boys were not used to such attire and it was difficult for them to manage. I knew we were making the choice to send our children to this school system, so I did not expect them to adapt to my culture, but I had hoped for fair treatment as well as a measure of flexibility with small children.
The boys came home from the first day of school full of excitement and details about their day. They said that the teacher announced to the whole class that hitting was not allowed, that the teacher could not hit students, he could inform the principal, he could also not hit a student, but the principal would tell the parents if the child was naughty and that was up to the parents to chose appropriate discipline for any poor behavior at school. The children were given points for doing well and having good behavior, certain students would attend special field trips to reward their hard work and excellence. I was shocked at the organization, discipline and teaching techniques in this new school. In the other two schools, hitting, screaming as well as humiliation and name calling were the commonly used disciplinary measures and these tactics were also used on well behaved children as a deterrent to using bad behavior. This new school seemed to be very Westernized and the boys had already made friends with other children.
Our life in Saudi seemed to be looking up, a lovely compound and a fantastic new school. I was busy of course with three little ones at home, now pregnant with my 6th child, but life was easy and full of comfort. All of the old worries seemed a distant memory to me and I knew we were on track for the future I had envisioned. This easy life would surely make him happy and ease his burden making him return to the original man I had met. He came up with more rules while living in this compound, but that was fine, it was a small trade off. The rules seemed to change on a daily basis, the table could not have two legs on the carpet and two legs off, the couch could not be touching the wall, a small pan could not be placed on a big burner for cooking, there were spices that were on the “no use” list, cookbooks were retrieved and pages of dishes that were not satisfactory received a huge XXX and hand written notes scrawled over pages saying “DO NOT MAKE! NOT GOOD”. The rules seemed to change quite frequently and as soon as I would master them and feel I was on top of things, they were no longer enforced and heartily scoffed at. But, no matter, no one is perfect and peace in the home was all that I truly wanted.
When things seemed difficult and I started to survey the situation looking for answers, memories flooded back of true and everlasting love. Moments were sprinkled with kindness like the dew that glistens on the grass, gentle hugs and sweet reminders of a love that was endearing and abiding. Enthralled with young love and feelings of desire, it all flooded back for days only to return to a dead end for coming months. My pregnancy was not difficult, but tiring and morning sickness after 5 pregnancies had now taken on a new twist. I carried a towel with me everywhere, as I could not swallow my own spit. I had gone through this each time but it increased in severity. I dared not speak of this or complain as I had heard so many times that I was lucky and privileged. Life held many blessings and all I had to do was peek at the men hanging laundry as we rolled out of the compound on the air conditioned shopping bus.
This is SO much better than the fiction/biography that I am reading at present set in Afghanistan Lynz. Once you have it all down, then we need to ‘pad it out’ into ‘book’ format – keep it coming x
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ha ha thanks you are too kind!! I appreciate your support!!
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Not kind Lynz – honest, if I did not believe this, then believe me, I would not say it, I frequently offend people because I am too honest……but that is OK here, as everyone else tells it how it is, but I know I shock English friends from time to time by my bluntness…..
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ha ha ! well thanks for the support!
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I also have to say, that things are not always ‘rosy’ for me, but reading your posts has kicked my difficulties right into touch, I tend to just get on with things more since I met you and realised that although life is not se ‘easy’ as it was in the UK. I made the choice and that there are a whole lot of people in much worse situations than I am, and see how blessed I actually am – Again absolutely true x
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I hope you do not have any difficulties like mine!! I hope your life is beautiful and lovely and full of a great relationship!!
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I agree!
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Thanks Natascha!
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😙😙😙😙😙
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🙂
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P.S. Your children are beautiful x
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thank you!
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With all of the strict rules of the compound, it’s amazing how you were able to keep 5-6 children from accidental damage. Stains, holes in the wall, I would have been very nervous about that, especially since there’s usually at least a small amount of damage that occurs with children…at least that’s been my experience with four kids.
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oh no, those were his rules, sorry! I try not to discuss him too much!
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Oh OK!!!! Got it! Man, whatta crazy!!
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I try to not bring him into it if i can and just allude to it
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ok i went back and put he, if you have time can you reread that paragraph! sorry to ask! I appreciate your input Tasha!
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My pleasure!
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I really appreciate that!!
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I tell you I must agree I am hooked on your stories more than my usual books as well, LOL. I also wanted to let you know I nominated you for the beautiful blogger award: https://myastheniagravisladycas.wordpress.com/2015/09/23/the-beautiful-blogger-award/
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Thanks so much, I am horrible with awards and do not do them justice but I will try to address these two special awards tomorrow!! That is my goal! much love, Lynn
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Aww that’s ok I am just glad to be able to nominate you because you deserve it!
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your so sweet!
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🙂 {HUGZ}
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hugs back!
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Nice to read about this new school Lynz and it seems that life were a little more easy than the beginning. At least you had a nice periode compared to other times.
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It was wonderful!
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Can I ask why some foods were not acceptable to make Lynz?
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who knows, one day a food was fine, the next day my cookbook was in trouble, abuse has no reason! I never knew would if it be ok or not. thus, I quit cooking when I left for about 3 years! Until the kids insisted on homemade food they grew up with
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Of everything you wrote, that just stuck out like a sore thumb with me. That is an extreme way to try and empower yourself over others. Especially so because your love of cooking.
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yes thanks for seeing that! I put up a recipe here called Maclube and I think I wrote about not cooking from scratch for about 3 years, and then cooking an old recipe and having my son tell me, now I remember mom standing in the kitchen when I got home from school, cooking wonderful foods and smells. So it made me love cooking again! Thanks Belinda!
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That’s brilliant. What a son!
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No – no such difficulties as yours, but there are elements due to culture and lifestyle that are very different and no so easy, but not so extreme, but I think you would be surprised at some of the incidences, that have not been too far from your experience when you went to the grocery store.
I have been followed on three occasions, and have actually taken a train in the opposite direction to try to shake someone off, and have had to adapt my mode of dress (though not so drastically as you).
And I no longer have a car, nowhere to park and takes twice as long to get anywhere with the traffic, so I take public transport, sometimes in takes me over two hours on various trains, busses and trams, to get to work, carrying a heavy bag with books or computer, and sometimes still a long walk to reach my final destination. And usually having to stand up for 30-40 minutes in very cramped conditions. Nothing compared to what you have tolerated but still, I was used to jumping in my car and driving 15 minutes to work each morning. I don’t always work all day in the same place, so sometimes have to travel from one place to another during my lunch break and get no time to eat. Basically I didn’t know I was born before!
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Wow yes difficulties!
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Thanks for sharing!!!
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Amazing – I always look forward to these posts.
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thanks Spear I love yours too!
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An improvement for sure with the new school, very happy to hear that. What went on in the others were atrocities. Amazing how you cope, our survival instinct is strong and we adapt.
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Yes it is
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Wow-keep writing Lynz!
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Thanks!
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Thank you for sharing these vivid memories!
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thank you for reading!
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Poetic! “…gentle hugs and sweet reminders of a love that was endearing and abiding.” Absolutely beautiful Lynn. Have you always written? You certainly are talented. I do enjoy reading your life story. Thank you for sharing with us.
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You are so nice, I had a little poem published when I was 12 in a tiny pamphlet. I then got into singing. You are too kind. I can only try to express the feelings and I am glad you are feeling it! Thanks so much!
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I always want to read about your stories Lynz, although I may not always have the time but I will try to read them all as they are fascinating, intriguing and really inspiring. Your strength just like my mother I can’t fathom, you are an inspiration to a mother like me. You really have lovely kids. And yes, your story will be best if published 🙂
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Thanks so much! I know life is busy so I appreciate you reading at all and taking the time to comment! It means allot to me!
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I wish I could properly articulate my heartbreak for your past. I’m appalled at the things you endured and encouraged by your perseverance and courage.
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thanks so much for caring and for reading! It make it easier to write!
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I feel almost guilty because I look forward to hearing more of your story. Thank you for sharing this.
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ha ha I am glad you are reading!
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All of the above are absolutely right – this is compelling stuff … your fortitude (a Great British attribute 😉 ) shines throughout, your resiliance, your ability to deal with situations mercifully beyond the ken of many (not all sadly – abuse is a global issue) and your ability to remain this mother, this wife, this woman. I’m very entranced.
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Thank you so much!!! It means allot to hear you say that! I know you have been busy, taking the time out to read my story is so nice of you!! much love, Lynn
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Your life experiences are just like story just the difference is that this real. Lynz you can publish a book once you done with your writing. I believe you will get best sellers award.
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You are too kind! Thanks dear friend for reading and commenting!
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I love your writing so keep up your good work. Write more and i can read more
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Thanks so much!
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I feel the tension building with each story, Lynz, as if the moments of peace are illusions, hanging by thin taut lines. Your story is enthralling. I look forward to each new post.
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That is an amazing way to explain it! thanks!
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So glad things did look up,and the boys got into a better school.
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oh it was a wonderful school, I kept waiting to hear a bad issue, but day one they gave them the power, no hitting! It was so nice!
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Good story, Lynz! I think I need to start reading it from the beginning. I think I’ve missed a few posts. I’m going to start at the beginning later on today when I go home. I knew I wasn’t the only one who thinks your blog should be made into a book.
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You are so wonderful and have been so supoortive! Thanks dear!
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I agree with earlier comments Lynn…this must one day find itself with your other “chapters” between the covers of a lovely book! 🙂 That said, I am delighted that the boys are enjoying school and that things are less stressful for you. ❤
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I admire you, Lynz. I really do! Where you went through is crazy. Really, that was psychic terror.
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Thanks Erika so much! you are so sweet and I love reading your posts , it helps!!
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Oh, that makes me smile. Thank you so much, I am really happy about that, Lynz 🙂
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thank you!
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Love seeing the picture of you and your eight children!
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thanks there is one more I will re post my newest picture with all of my lovely amazing kids! I am so blessed!thanks so much!
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Lovely photo of you and your children!
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Thanks so much!
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Lovely to see all the growing supportive comments on your posts Lyn. And the meeting that leads to a change in schools – these are the little things that happen that send us off in a new direction and give us hope for change – yes? Like mine, your ‘He’ was a master at keeping you in thrall – just enough tenderness and promise of change to keep you going and striving to get it right so that peace and happiness could be restored. Because it was always our fault!! What I discovered in the end of it all is that I learned what value I have – and nothing can ever take that away again!
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thanks dear! So well put!
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The photo is a beautiful one of the family! I enjoyed reading that you refused to bring the kids to school and sent a letter. You are a woman who gets things done! And I hated reading the part of the horrible rules. I could not imagine functioning under so much control. Thank you, as always, for sharing your story, Lynz.
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thanks dear Jasmine!
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I agree with that everyone is saying – you should write a book! Your story is truly incredible.
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thanks so much!
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I know that you don’t like to mention “him” but how can you not….without “him” your life would of been so happy, no asinine rules, no hoops to jump through….he was loosing control so he had to keep changing the rules so he appeared he was in control, empowering himself over the weaker sex, so he thought!!! LOL little did he know you were the one in power…who really cares where the frigin couch sets or the table legs are…LOL I love that he thought he was in control….so happy that you were able to change the school…at least he had some compassion about the children and the schools…or perhaps he knew that was the one area he didn’t want to cross you with…he knew better to fight with a mama bear!!! HA HA HA…as the story unfolds the joke was on him…your an amazing woman…not recooking food and him thinking he was GOD and KING by writing in the cookbooks…what an ass sorry I can’t help myself….Lynz your a wonderful mother….the love and care you had for your children in this most difficult living situation, and I am not talking about the luxury villa – you deserved that and more….I am talking about co-toeing to an arrogant man!!!! But sweetheart you were in complete control over the kids lives and really that’s all that matters when you think about it… I love it….keep you story coming….I love reading it…and I agree you need to publish it….change the names if you have to but its a wonderful story…..you are helping us all by writing it…..thanks for your strength sister!!!!
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thanks sister!! you are my strength! Well my kids always tell me that now! he has no power mom it is you! I am always like huh? They tell me you mom carried us through! Thanks dear Kat!
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they are 100% correct…you maynot have seen it at the time, you were young and trying with all your might to be a good wife and make him happy and proud of you….sad it was never about you…it was all about him…I hope that you able to look back see the strength you displayed all those years…even if you didn’t know it then…my oh my believe it….and your children are all the better for it…and they are so correct, he has no power over you…and really never did know that your story is getting further along…you just didn’t realize it at the time…my problem I had in my marriage is that I knew it and didn’t do anything about it…it was easier to bend to what he wanted than to fight about the BS he was power tripping over…yours beats mine my miles….I think all power hungry men know the fights they can win however some hit there women…I was only hit once…then he learned I could through knives…LOL a story for another time…he never hit me again….lol I haven’t heard anything in your story as of yet that he was violent….just controlling…??? I hope not!!!! XXXKat
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I really was in a blur in that I just did not see it! I was way too sensitive or so I was told! So, always trying to fix me! When I started arguing, standing up more then things got worst. I sent my boys (best friends, it was so hard to send them!!) away to school in America, my oldest sons dream. I dared to do this went against him! So things started getting worst. He was a “religious” man but started swearing like the f word! Threw things in my direction and accidentally drove over my foot. The last time he popped in this past May things got out of control let’s just say that. This is why my daughter started this blog because I was just pretty down!!! She said go put up recipes mom etc.and then this happened, this writing. It is scary but I just dont care now! you are a great support I love you for that Kat!
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that is what we are here for…support…Lynz this man has no power over you no matter what he tells you…your are your own person with the right to have your own opinions and feelings….he’s just a nasty bully and used to getting his way by being more of an ass…you have the right to turn around and not speak to him…I realize you live in a home owned by the both of you…again, its part your home too….listen to your daughter, she is strong and understands….keep telling your story, don’t be afraid sweetheart…its your story to tell and no one can take that from you, if it gives you strength to open up and share the years you lived under his hand…do it…we are all here for you…you are not alone, there are many woman who are gaining strength from your courage to share…its good…its good for your soul…release it..let it all go, and be happy, I think you are, you are here near your parents and your children…you must promise yourself never to give in to his tactics…he can say anything he wants…do what I used to do…smile turn around and walk away…believe me if you have something they need, they will and can do it in a civil manner….on your terms otherwise don’t do it…remember sister your in control, you have the choice to stay and fight or walk away….love you too sister…kat
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Thanks so much! I am starting to feel better after a couple rough months and constant worry!! Your support has been amazing!! thanks sister! Love Lynn
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can you get out of the situation that is making you worry??? or is it out of fear?? Call I can say try to put yourself in a position that you are in complete control of yourself…your surroundings and are at peace with yourself….I think of you often….kathy
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I am just hoping he wont write and say he is coming! not sure then what, leave my home, cant stay through that again.
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NO you shouldn’t be expected to..I am sure that one of your wonderful kids would let you stay until you get it together…or perhaps you should be looking into that now….just a thought…
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I am seeing a lawyer beginning of November, first available appointment. I have three kids living in different cities so I could easily go with younger kids and stay there. Just hoping he will stay over in saudi!!thanks Kat!
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you and me both sister….sending good energy to you…and good girl….lawyer is a good call…..you can always come visit in California…
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ok ha ha thanks sister!!!
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buy a small RV pack it up and go see the states….I know you have enough friends on Word Press you would be busy for a long time…lol
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I would love to!!! That would be amazing!!
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think about it…we have a small one and if something happened to my husband that is my plan….to hit the road….LOL
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we had talked about it when he first came 6 years ago! we said let’s buy an RV and hit the road see the states!!
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I was thinking you alone sister….??!!
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no
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LOL I am smiling….I don’t blame you it is funner with someone…
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oh wait, you mean with a man?
nooooooooo
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very good…hhahahahaha….
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I thought you meant are my kids grown
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no I was talking about the RV thing…LOL you still have kids at home in school with you??
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ok that is what I thought! i have still have 6 at home
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lucky you….I know how much you love your kids…your a lucky woman…
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yes for sure! I am so lucky!
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Smart kids!
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🙂
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And what a beautiful picture of a very proud mama bear with her cubs around her…love it…!!!!
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thanks!
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I find it so amazing how you ran across the same lady years later across the world! A little angel on Earth that helped bring more peace to you and your children:)
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yes well the two husbands were friends through the years
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Ah, it all comes together:)
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yes! I never saw her in those years but they talked frequently. It was weird and I had about two other ladies I had known so it was weird to then visit them in Riyadh!
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I can imagine!
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Your kids were so cute back then. And I must say that to live with a man with so many rules must have been tough..I cannot even imagine what you must be going through as a young mother.
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They are amazing!
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Lynz you have been through so much. It must have taken great courage to realize enough is enough and pack up and leave with your children! So glad you are safe and able to tell your story, I am sure it will help many women in similar situations. Hugs 🙂
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Thanks so much Marisa!!
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🙂
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What a wonderful reprieve to send your children to a nice school! Knowing how much you love them, that must have meant so much happiness for you- in spite of his abuse and manipulation. I’m so glad you had the comforts of the villa, the school, the air conditioning, good neighbors… I hate to think what you would have had to endure without those comforts while dealing with him!
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Thanks sadie! Yes it was a joy to finally feel they were safe and being treated well!
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I can only imagine!
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Another great story Lynz. I wish it was fiction. I know hind sight is 50/50, and the people that are successful bullies are great manipulators. I’m glad that you can see your own light and breath your own air now.
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Thank you so much Julie!
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Well, I agree with everything everyone wrote. Beautiful picture with your children! I marvel that none of your kids seem to identify with their father and enter into his insanity. That alone is a blessing.
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Yes for sure!!!!
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Very well written, Lynz. And, congratulations on your pregnancy. I can’t imagine having 5 plus one on the way and abide with strict rules. You are a strong woman. I have two boys and I feel like I’m taking care of 10 people. I’m glad to hear your children are going to a better school now. That’s good. That’s one thing less to worry about. Take care of yourself, Lynz. Best wishes to you. 🙂
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Ok sorry a bit of confusion, to update you, this was about 19 years ago, I now live in the states and have for 6 years. I have 9! You might not have read my beginning stories a couple months back! thanks Anna for reading!
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Oh, I guess when I read “now pregnant with my 6th child” I thought you are at this moment. So sorry! 😀
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No it’s ok you would not know! I am now back and relocated with my kids. they are big now youngest 12 oldest 28
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I remember reading something about you relocated back to US and saw a picture of your son who helped you (if I remember correctly) made dessert chocolate balls I think it was; but not sure now. 😀
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Oh he is my 17 year old yes who was baking with me!
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Yes, he was helping you baked. I remember I left a comment as well. He’s a good looking boy.
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Thanks dear! I will post a picture of us a couple years ago!
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Lyn, look at all your avid readers…your writing is so compelling…everyone is looking for the next part.
Specially me! I love that your kids got you cooking again, so healing…well and we get to use your recipes too…bonus!
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Thanks Brenda!! I hope you are well!
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Such a riveting story.
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Thanks for reading!
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Can I just clarify something..having read the comments above..are you still with him?
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we are legally still married. I am not “with” him but we own a home together and of course have 9 children together. But after I left 6 years ago it has been back and forth trying to break free and then him coming and things changing. But for 2 years now, no and it is done for me!! The threat of going to court, taking the kids, not sending support and general fear have kept me in a limbo. So he popped in this past year for my daughter’s college graduation.
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Okay, now I understand more. Does he know you are writing this blog?
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I don’t know! I lived for so long afraid to do anything, and when he popped in it was awful, he left, I was so sad after having been free and happy, then he quit paying money to support us, so my daughter(now 25) started this blog and said who cares!! So I jumped in with what I love, cooking, and then some how the stories started, it was so scary but again, you live in a secret world!!! you cannot even tell your friends what vegetables you are buying, everything is a secret so I just don’t care now. I am keeping the stories very easy no big yucky details about him,but I feel compelled to talk. His brother follows me on fb but I dont think he has read and knows little English! But they are lovely and have sent me their best wishes.
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I think you are incredibly brave and obviously a very strong woman and your daughter sounds wonderful.
From stories I heard when living in the UAE, I believe that your experience is sadly typical for many western women who have married Muslim men, but most would not be brave enough to make the break or speak out.
You are educating and inspiring all of us and maybe even bringing strength and hope to someone in a similar position. You have my utmost respect for taking that leap x
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Thank you so much! I feel scared each time I post, it is hard to explain how this all transpires! It is a weird process and you end up waking up thinking, Wait a minute! Yes you would have better knowledge for sure of this! It is very common. Most of my friends are divorced or have lost their kids etc. I am just treading water so to speak and trying to live my life, raise the kids! Thanks Elaine! Your support means so much to me!
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I would imagine that writing all this is a form of therapy for you? You’ve lived under such secrecy and, what amounts to, mental abuse for so long?
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It has been 33 years since we met! So, just now in the past year I feel free and able to figure things out! It goes back and forth, I feel happy, then depressed, then scared, but yes it has helped me to have all of you say–WHAT? because you get used to hiding it, the person telling you how bad you are and as hard as it is to believe, you also feel like you are worthless and to blame! so the validation has turned things around!
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That’s wonderful, I’m so pleased we could all help you. When your confidence has been completely stripped away, it takes huge strength to leave and you’ve done it – that’s brilliant!
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Thanks!
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The new school must have seemed like a dream come true, but those rules your husband imposed are unbelievable. His fads over your cooking, and the rages he exhibited when it didn’t please him (in a previous episode) just don’t seem normal. At least your new apartment was comfortable and airy, and the children were happy with their new school.
The header picture of you with your children is beautiful.
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Thanks so much Millie!
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Engrossing writing, Lynn. 🙂
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thanks!
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I can only imagine what it must have been like to live with such a control freak. You really do need to turn these stories into a book. It would sell very well, in my opinion. I think it would help other women in such situations too.
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Thanks so much if i could do it i would!
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Lynn I commend you again and again. For standing firm for your children to have a proper teaching environment. Also, your resilience is remarkable!
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Thank you!
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As I read through some of the comments many of my thoughts and answers were expressed. I echo keep the stories coming.
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thanks so much!
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Wow, I find myself holding my breath as I read your posts. I am so glad that you are seeing a lawyer and plan to get him out of your life. There seems more going on than just a control freak, perhaps actual insanity and desperation.
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I honestly dont know but just tired of always being in fear.
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Your children are beautiful. Lyn. This post emphasizes in my mind how you really tried and how busy your life was. I admire you for this perseverance and Love you showed! Have a great weekend. I can not always find current posts in short break st work. ♡
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Thanks for reading in your busy day! 🙂
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