Purple Blossom

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Two months ago, I posted this writing, but only for a couple of hours and then tucked it away quickly under stories.  I was compelled to post it but then felt worried, exposed and scared, although no one had even read it! After that I started posting bits of my story and you have all encouraged and cared for me. Since that time a couple people have looked at this in my stories and have read it. I have found strength with all of you, reading and commenting! I am stronger now almost 3 months after this post! So, I post it here for all of you to read if you wish! Thank you for supporting me and caring about me!!! 

You look longingly at the courtyard full of lush green grass, you can feel it tickle between your toes, the sunshine washes over your face warm and alive. You move back and forth to catch the light, like a cat sprawled out on the living room floor, it turns to catch the rays when they disappear beneath the shade of the sofa. Its pink padded paws playfully touch the fading sun.
You would not dare to actually run, even if you could, but just walking is enough for your weakened limbs. 30 years of not walking has made you weak and numb. But once you make your escape who knows what awaits you. You stand in the grass, a tiny weed blossoms with colors of purple and yellow. You fixate on its delicate purple blossom. So perfect and tiny, how can it hold such beauty and intricate details in its tiny being. You marvel and want to bring it nearer to smell it. It must be full of a fragrant fruity splendor. You do not pick it because you know it would soon wilt and die and everything deserves the chance to live and to grow. You could not bare to spoil its perfection. You look beyond the grass to see the hills and you prepare to don your boots. You will walk thru the fields of wildflowers making a yellow endless blanket before you. You will walk, climb and run getting muddy, wet and tired. You will be …….free.
When you reach the summit out of breathe, muscles aching, you will witness glory. When you look to the right no metal screws, only the vast horizon. You can see the colors you’ve seen so many times, although it was years ago, you remember. The orange, purple, yellow and even blue, all mixed but perfectly layered. You will smell the pine trees and maybe even spot a dear leaping and free. It will awaken your soul, you are free, just 3 small steps to freedom. You will call to the dear “Yes you are free and so am I”  you will warn it to never stray beyond the hills to be trapped forever. As you breathe the free, clean air, not stagnant like your box, you feel a sharp pain run through your lungs, you cough and choke. You cannot breathe the clean, crisp air, you gulp and sputter. Years of not breathing this pure air of freedom is too much to take. Maybe you are breathing too fast, too much. You take a slow deep breathe in, then out, but still you feel the sharp pain invade your body. Your legs seize up, you try to move but you cannot.

You envisioned this escape for hours, days and months….. you day dreamed about the sun, its sensations, the mountains,the mud! How can your legs fail you as you stand poised and ready, waiting. How can your lungs not allow this sweet strong air to replenish you and carry you away. You put one foot out to start your way to freedom, your arms and legs are limp, lifeless. You start to roll down the grass picking up speed as you go, your body bumps, rocks lodge in your forehead, the beautiful blossoms are far behind you, you grab at trees, gravel and dirt to stop this procession. If you could you would tear a thousand blossoms from their roots, their life seems worthless and small compared to the freedom you crave. You look up to a blazing sun and you cannot see anything but fury. You realize your shirt is torn and your body is exposed. Your hair a matted muddy wig stuck to your bleeding head. You wanted to run but now you cannot crawl. The only smell is dust and dirt swirling around you.
Then a hand soft and familiar gingerly touches your broken body. It pulls you up gently, it encloses you, somehow a feeling of safety. It leads you back bringing you to your comfortable, secure place. It covers your body with a warm soft blanket of familiarity. No longer exposed, You feel relief, even joy . You can’t believe you dared to leave the safety of your box. Your arm is bruised, your face sun burnt. The sting of rocks and gravel lodged in your soul, peeling skin exposing everything, as you pull the pieces from your face, you think….. maybe the majesty of mountains is over rated after all.

175 thoughts on “Purple Blossom”

  3. You are an inspiration of Womanhood and Motherhood, Lynz. I am proud that you endured so much and yet came out of it safely with your head held high and your spirit not broken. Not many women would have endured that kind of life. You are rich beyond words…..beyond material things….You have an amazing spirit and soul and I am proud to know you. Hugs 🙂

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  5. This gave me chills, Lynz. A heart-rending battle between the longing for and fear of freedom and the comfort of the familiar no matter its cost. It’s a universal struggle and many aren’t able to break out of that box. You did. I’m glad you reposted.
    Beautiful writing too, it’s not easy to pull off 2nd person and you accomplished it perfectly.

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  7. Lynz this is so deeply moving, I feel you are talking in metaphors …. they scream out to me. I hope you did not fall down the mountain. I am not sure but I assume you are describing how you felt when you made the dramatic move away from your old life. You ar one of the bravest woman I have encountered. You bless us by sharing your life and wisdom! xxxxxxx

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  11. Another zinger! Full of emotion and beauty…thanks so much for sharing the hard bits…love the breadth of imagination and bringing nature into your work is so serene. I hope you have more and more to write and to share…Lyn, one of my life goals if you will is to live in a compassionate manner. Your posts help towards this goal!

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  13. So powerful Lynz – I have so many questions, but am patient and trust you will fill in the missing pieces of this beautiful and breath taking insight into another world. You highlight things that I had never considered (such as not being able to walk or run).
    What you are writing is important, don’t hide and don’t stop, this is your ultimate escape.

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  15. Based on the last sentences, there appears to almost be a hesitation, but that seems to be due to the new freedom. The first thought is “uh oh, did I make a mistake?” But as you go about each day, you are seeing that though it is painful and full of work, at least it’s work that progresses to a positive direction. Because either way, it would have been work, except the one where if you had stayed does not seem it would have lead to a positive road. Whether it was sooner or later, it’s best that you did it.

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  16. I have a lot of respect for your choosing to stay a few times. I would not judge you for wanting to stay away ure and protecting your children, too. That being said, though, I even more tremendously believe your path of freedom from fear, emotional abuse and mean acts, Lyn is the Best way to live! You had shared on another post some part of your story. I am glad you are filling in the pieces. ♡
    By being strong and finally leaving for good, your children and family can breathe a sigh of relief. Congratulations!☆☆ I think your story is inspirational to others who may need someone to listen and encourage them to do the same thing you did. 🙂

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    • It is something I guess you must come to on your own. I finally said ok what else? I heard it all, was stopped and cornered in so many ways and fear is a huge factor. So, now I feel what else is there he can throw at me, not much! Thanks so much. I know you read this awhile back!!

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  17. The longing, the self doubt and the persuasion – it all keeps us locked up for far too long. They are clever these men – they always know when to back track, what to promise and because we have been so well trained, we fall for it. But each step taken to freedom, whether in our hearts or in reality cannot be lost. The time between, the time of self doubt and giving in, becomes shorter, yes? And you made it!! This writing is so beautiful and so heart stopping – it speaks to all women who have been there, xoxo

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  22. Lyn, I can see why this post made you feel very exposed. It is full of emotion that you haven’t left escape into your writing of your story. I am glad that you took the step to repost it. It makes your story even more fascinating.

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  24. I sit here with tears for you, tears of the sorrow you have suffered through, tears of happiness for the here and now…wow girlfriend that was a very moving post…I am glad you reposted it for all of us, as you can see, there are so many women here for you, we, I speak for the many, care for you friend…you have been through so much more than most of us ever will be in a life time, or ten life times over..and for those that need the strength to get out, your words are there for them…..thank you, thank you and thank you again for letting us in, your a most extraordinary women and give more strength to us than you know….I am so happy your back and getting your life back, it all takes time and letting the story our of your soul can only help you heal…I am deeply humbled to be your friend…xxkat

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  25. Oh Lynn – what a moving, thoughtful, introspective post. Your writing and sharing of your story is destined to help not only you, but so many others – It is so raw, so true, so well written. Keep healing my friend. YOU are worth it! Hugs!

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  26. The most important thing, Lynn, is that you are safely on the other side. It takes incredible strength to care for others even when you’re in the most dire circumstances, to stay positive and to have confidence in your ability to be and do what you want to do. The care you receive is a reflection of the abundant love you have poured out. May you continue to feel good about walking and running so you can leave those troubles behind. x

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  36. This was probably the most intense of all your posts for me. I find myself glued to each word, absorbing and wishing you never went thought what you did. You have such a resilient and bright spirit it radiates from this blog of yours. Really, just incredibly moving writing here. Thank you for opening up and sharing your journey.

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  39. Lynn, I am always moved by your writing.This piece is so full of wonderful imagery and symbolism that it took my breath away when I read it. Thank you for reposting and having the courage to share your story with us. *hugs, always*

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  42. Lynz, your story evokes such emotion and heartache and fear…I completely understand it and I also recognise in it my own Mothers story 😦
    I’m so glad that you are ‘out of the box’ and getting braver by the day. You have so much love and support and we all add our strength to yours xx

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  45. One step forward two steps back it took me a while to carrying on walking but walk I did…eventually..like you..but it makes us stronger and hopefully our children will learn through us what is the right way to treat your partner…….Kudos to you and all those other brave souls who took that final step into a new world 🙂

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  47. Lynn, your writings have such depth and emotion in them. I can feel the muscles in my legs tightening as if I’m trying to run for you — desperately wanting to help you as you are struggling to run! You truly are an inspiration, and it blesses my heart to know you are taking in deep breaths of fresh air as Sadie wrote.

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  48. That is a deeply moving piece of writing, Lynn. How brave of you to bare your innermost hopes and fears, and your longing to be free for so long. Your life of abuse and fear went on for so long, and it must have been so hard to eventually break away from it. You have my deepest respect for doing so.

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      • I know you aren’t divorced, Lynn, and sincerely hope you will be one day. He still has a hold on you, otherwise. I do hope he doesn’t try to take the children away – although they aren’t all small any more.As you say, at least you are physically free.

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          • I have often wondered how you got out of Saudi and manage to keep the children with you. I’ve never asked because I thought you’d be explaining that in your late stories. I suppose he could have demanded custody of the children – and I know you wouldn’t have left without them. At least he can’t claim custody of your adult children now.

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          • He is palestinian and then got american citizenship. In reality he could have done nothing in saudi!! But i was locked in isolation,and fear. Here he has equal rights and could go to court which he hints to regularly. He says he hopes he wont have to drag us all through court etc. We came here to see my son,graduate in engineering. The older kids told me they would not return no way, they knew i would not leave them,behind so i stayed! It was scary. He was crazy mad, a lady who was not allowed to,eat with the family at the dinner table, made the decision to stay!

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          • Thank you for explaining all that, Lynn. I remember you talking about his American citizenship, but somehow didn’t relate that to his rights in Saudi.Surely he wouldn’t get anywhere in American courts? I really hope he doesn’t, if things should come to that.
            Is it usual for a Saudi woman not to eat with the family, or was that just him? Yes, he does sound totally mad. I wish you every happiness, and that he doesn’t interfere and spoil it all again. ❤

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          • no he was mad so that will be another little blip. the last 4 years in saudi after I sent my boys to university it was very bad I was not allowed to eat with my family or speak at the table becuase I refused to eat what the family ate, I was dieting!

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          • My heart goes out to you, Lynn, and I so admire your bravery in all this. You now have so many of us behind you, and you’ve proved what a great blogger you are! Kudos to you! ❤

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