My son sat at the dining room table silently putting the last few pieces into the puzzle, orange and red leaves carefully resting near a large and ominous tree. Dad mindfully hemmed and hawwed as he placed the scattered pieces, remarking here and there to grandson that when he came to the U.S. for university he would rake leaves, walk down streets like those in the puzzle. It had been three years since we left the house in Renton and that life behind. Mom had one last cookie, gathered her overnight bag and kissed everyone goodbye. I smiled and laughed nervously, quickly hugging and ushering her out the door. The older children stood with sullen faces watching as their grandparents pulled their bags and made their way to the van. They would catch a late night flight and be home within 20 hours, leaving behind remnants of a different life. A carefully placed silk plant with bright red leaves inside a cheery pot, children’s books sat on tables and brightly colored toys stacked haphazardly. These forbidden treasures would skillfully be hidden away, shoved into closets and baskets, where “useless and wasteful items” were to be kept. The children sat on the couch chuckling and remembering the two weeks that had passed, walks to the mini mart, swimming at the pool, drinking root beer floats, bringing Grampa cups of coffee and baking Grama cookies. Within minutes they were in a heap, arms and legs across the couch and table, heads bobbing to remain awake and in this last precious moment, the smell of Grama’s perfume and Grampa’s coffee.
The days that followed were filled with a tinge of sadness as I picked up and stored away the life that did not belong to us. At first I carefully slid puzzle pieces into a tattered box feeling despair and sadness, but as the days faded I routinely stacked away all that had passed with little emotion. A part of me was relieved that this visit had come to an end because it was a constant reminder of the two lives I chose to live and that constantly clashed. The visit had been lovely, full of fun and bliss but a double edged sword that made life stressful as well. Talk of art, literature and life back home all brought his face to an ashen grey. Words were spoken and dreams were tended to, ideas spread like wild fire through the home. I spent my days watching his expressions and then recklessly changing subjects from religion and life’s purpose to “what’s for dinner” and “let’s take a walk”. My oldest son was now 10, already pushing for independence and a life with a stable father figure. He welcomed his grandparents visits as a sign of better things to come and hope for the future. A sense of relief and guilt spread over me as I now carelessly threw away the bits and pieces that remained, old danish, salad dressings and penciled in grocery lists. His words always rang in my ears and rattled around in my head, “Your parents do not love you like I do and never will”.
Their love – your parents love – is yes different. Not the same. Of course. But their love is great, oh so great. No measure. No need to measure or compare. xo
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yes so true! xoxo
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This statement, “Your parents do not love you like I do and never will”, is typical of that personality type. They seek to undermine your sense of self worth by making themselves the only source of well being for you. The only way to stand up to them is to not need their approval, acknowledgement or support. This is a general response. It is a harsh world to have to live in and I am very glad you came through on the other side of it, Lynn.
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You are so right! thanks so much! xxx
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His statement was true, your parents loved you unconditionally just as you were.
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oh he said they would never love me as he loved me.
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They loved you more! I meant theirs was a true supportive love… His was disturbing….
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Sorry it is hard to put into words the idea. he constantly told me they kind of loved me! you are so very sweet and I appreciate your support!!!
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We can feel clearly the “clash” through your words Lynn .
Every week I wonder how you and your kids managed to survive this and come out all right , and every week I admire you more if that is possible 😉
What a good foundation your parents gave you , and you have been doing the same towards your own kids 🙂
Turtle Hugs ❤
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My kids are totally amazing human beings! They are the true heroes! thanks dear turtle, hope all is well xxx
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I truly believe they are , but they wouldn’t be quite so amazing if it weren’t for you 🙂
I’m ok thank you 🙂 turtling along 😉 one day at a time .
❤
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yes I agree take care one day at a time!
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Speechless. Wow! Another powerful story. Thank you for sharing.
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Thank you so much for reading! x
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You capture that terrible sinking feeling and the willfull pushing it down so that you can keep your nose above water with this creature who doesn’t know what love is at all. I am sure he did at some point, but he turned his back on it and he sold you all in his quest to be in control. Sold you away from the life you had every right to – harmless, not effecting anyone else, not misusing nor violating anything. He misused and violated all of you and he had absolutely no right. But what else were you to do? Make the best of it. Keep trying. Put on a brave face. I’m numb.
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Thanks dearest Fiona! xxxx
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The guy’s got a problem. He’s at war with himself.
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Yes I agree. Once the kids got bigger and wanted more, it was awful and a battle. They got me gifts, and those were returned or mocked and a warning–never do this again! He waged war against me, dont know why . I tried to love and honor him.
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Lynn , you did love and honour him (as we can see by your words) as much as you could , and more than anyone else would . He was the one responsible for making it impossible to continue , and he lost you and will probably loose the love and respect of his children too .
Hugs ❤
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Yes so sad xx
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That’s life, I suppose. Not your fault.
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yes true!
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This is disturbing and fascinating at the same time. Thanks for sharing.
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Thanks for reading Deb! nice to meet you
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It is not possible to make monsters satisfied Lynn, never, they will always complain, no matter what you do…..
No one
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yes so true! My older daughter told me once, it is like throwing heads of lettuce to a crocodile trying to keep them happy and away!
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Good explanation
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I thought so!
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Sorry, no one will ever love you so much, as your parents do and did. Why else should they visit and bring you all as your kids needed? Only loving parents will do that.
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I agree!!! they went through so much, no love is like the parents!
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Exactly
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🙂
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After reading that I’m so happy to know that your parents were allowed to come and stay, and the gifts were allowed throughout their visit. A little victory for and the kids, and a remarkable difference from your everyday life without your parents there.
WOW! They don’t love you like he does? Seriously! You know what a Mother’s love is and I’m sure you know just how much your parents do, and have always loved you. I hope you didn’t let that fool take that from you with his brainwashing, manipulative, abusive behavior.
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unfortunately he did! I mean I knew they loved me, my mom came and pampered me, tried to fight for me in many ways and so did dad, but the constant remarks and saying hmm they are wonderful but…… so it left me feeling alone
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So sad..
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😦 thanks for reading as always!
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What a jackass!
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thanks for reading and caring!
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Speechless, horrified, sick to the stomach. This man and the abuse ! How did he sleep at night? or should I say…did he actually sleep at night? This is a sick man, with major control issues, and all self inflicted …. Then, to top it all, he has the audacity to make statements of your parents not loving you as much as he does/did !!! Is he insane !!! Sorry, he really needs a reality check ! xxx
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Thanks lynne, it seemed things just got worst and worst as each day passed!
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hugs xxx
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thanks lynne, I love hearing from you and I know it’s not fun to read but it helps to hear your words. I am debating on posting a beginning to a book just an idea maybe people could let me know what they think
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A difficult moment. I don’t know what to say, Lynz. You know better than everybody how it is. But like I said many times, I admire you so much for who you are now and that’s enough for me.
❤️🌹
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Thanks dear it means allot to me that you comment and support me! xxxx
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Always, Lynz 🙂
I will always be there for you my dear friend ❤
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Thank you so much! xxx
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As always so well written – as it comes from your heart, and your own true experience Lynz.
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Thanks! xx
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He obviously was very jealous of your parents and could see the love between you and them. Sounds like such a sad life back then. So glad it is behind you.
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Thanks PJ and yes I agree!
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I just don’t understand not allowing children to have toys and games.
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A waste of time! They had them from my folks but it was a huge issue and he hated it! So better put aside
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That is so sad. That’s what children do — they play.
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yes they do!
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Lynn, I love real life stories, the good and the bad, it is life !
I know sometimes I come across hard, but that is how I feel in my heart.
Absolutely post a beginning to your story, I think it would be great. x
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Thanks so much! you are very much appreciated, I wish we could meet up some day! you never know!
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Oh yes 🙂 Me too. x
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xoxo
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That man didn’t know what love is. Love is unconditional, especially from your parents.
Love is not about control or ownership which is what he seemed to think.
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yes you are so right, those are the two big points, thanks! xxx
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You are truly an amazing woman. And your kids are so great because of you! Can we please get together this year??? 🙂
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Yes darn, we have to! I will be over allot with the grand babies to help! Please please yes!!!!!xxxx thanks for reading Alice!
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grrr!
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Thanks Jodi!
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Lynn, you are strong in your writing of this your life. He does not know what love is – your parents, you and your kids certainly know what the meaning of love is. Have a wonderful day dear!
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thanks so much dear!
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Sad how the toys had to be hidden. No one should be able to live like this.
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So glad it is behind us now. thanks for always caring!
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You’re welcome 🙂
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Your stories put a human face on the tugs we all experience – some greater than others – in our lives, having to choose between two forces that pull our lives in opposite or at least different directions. You and your children have dealt with those forces with such aplomb.
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Thanks so much for reading!
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There is a book called Run Jane Run (About her abusive relationship, how she finally got away and what she had to endure to stay safe). It is an immaculate written piece that will tear your heart out because it is A-Typical in abuse and trying to get away from it with children. As you endured so much for 16+ years in Saudi I can only compare really to this book. In the end she triumph but it took years! It does not matter what he says-he does not speak the truth. Imagine how hard it was for your folks? Put yourself in their shoes? All brainwashing until you saw things his way. Which I will remind you is arse-backwards-insanity! Remember what I said about his playing in my yard and the crooked nail in a new piece of wood being hammered daily with an old crooked hammer head! Hugs to you my friend, xoxoxoxo Bestie 2
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hahahah love you Cheryl! Bestie xxxxx kids and hugs to kids!
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Ditto my friend!!! xoxoxoxo
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xoxoxo
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A parents love is so different and in most situations, the parents want the best for their child. A spouse’s love is completely different and will never be the same with parental love.
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so true!
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What an arrogant thing to say, he love you more than your parents.
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As one person said he doesn’t even know what love is!
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I can imagine that emptiness within you when your parents left but also the reminder they were of a life you did not think about having once again at that time. His words…. no words for that!
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Thanks Erika! xxx
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💖💖
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🙂
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what a tough balancing act for you Lynn. I can feel the tension as i read your story!
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Thanks Cynthia! It sounds silly but I never knew it was going on or just didn’t think about it!
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That doesn’t sound silly. It can be hard to have perspective about something like that when you have lots going on!
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It was just what I did to survive and to keep us safe.
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That makes total sense. xo
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xoxo
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“He” knows absolutely NOTHING about a true mother’s love. As always, your stories are both sad and a reminder of how strong you are now. XOXOXO! ❤
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Thanks xoxo I am really coming around to the idea of writing a book or compiling these stories, no longer afraid to do so thanks to all of you! xoxo
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I really hope you do! So many readers could benefit from it. xoxo
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I will try, it seemed impossible to even speak to people from Alternatives for violence in our area, but now I am speaking to many and I have found unwavering support. It really does help me to know I am not alone! xoxoxoxo
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Exactly! xoxoxo!
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xoxo
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I can understand you got sucked into an abusive relationship and considered it love and honour. I’m just left wondering why you did in the first place?
Sounds like you had good parents, who came to see you and their grandchildren, and yet, he treated you as nothing more than a slave.
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he was charming and lovely until I had 2 tiny kids and had changed religions and my whole life!
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Hi Lynn 🙂 I was wondering – do your parents read your blog? Do they really know what happened now? I will say again that I am so glad you had their energetic support over those years, even if the physical visits were measured in weeks. I can imagine they were constantly sending you love ❤
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They do not read it, not sure how mom or dad feel to be honest. Kind of the generation where you dont talk about stuff if you know what i mean.
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Thank goodness for your short little visits with your parents! Like an oasis that I’m sure eventually led you back to life and freedom!
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Oh yes an oasis is the perfect word!!
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Oh, my, Lynn. His were just words of control. It’s hard to imagine how long you had to bear this. Hugs.💕
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Thanks dear Van! xxx
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He is right but not in the deluded way he thinks of love. Your parents love you for who you are, unconditionally.
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yes that is a great point a totally different type of love, but also he has no love I believe. Thanks Suzanne! how is Percy?
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And thank the good Lord that your parents did not love you like he did, and no one would even think of loving you like he did. He, has no idea what love is.
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Wow that is the best way to put it, never thought of that! Thanks Colleen! No I don’t think he does. His 12 year old son sits here many days asking me, when will baba call me?? I have no answer
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Maybe some day son will understand. But meanwhile, it hurts to see them wonder like that.
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yes I give lots of hugs and tell him what a fantastic person he is!
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Mom love. 🙂
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yes!
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I have huge crocodile tears for you my friend….your amazing and what wonderful children you have raised….I am sorry for the younger ones who cannot see him for what he is, but they will, its only a matter of time…..hugs…kat
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Thanks dear Kat! xx
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How can love be compared?! And for sure, no one can question someone else’s love. Its so sad he kept telling you this. I can understand how bad that must have hurt you. Hugs Lynn.
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Thanks CH, it hit me to the core and hurt a special part of me!xx
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You were still in the thick of what your life was with him at the time, so it seemed easier to fall back to being manipulated by him. Thankfully, you know now what you were still learning then and that is, an emotionally abused person doesn’t realize that he or she has the power to leave and take control. But, easier said than done when you’re financially at his mercy and with that conflict of whether it’s better for kids to have a father and mother so you can be a “normal” family, or break up the family and have to deal with another set of emotional pain. Either road is painful, and there is that tendency to think “better to deal with the devil you know than what you don’t know” because what you don’t know might be worse. But, as you found out, it’s the opposite. Hopefully, as each day passes, your pain lessens.
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Wow you have summarized it all so well! Yes I can say it better than that!! thanks Karina! xxx
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Those were very manipulative and controlling words! Thank God for your parents presence in yours and your children’s lives!
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yes you are so right! Always manipulation!
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After all this? Really? he had to guts to say that? Unbelievable!!!
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Thanks for reading Freda!
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xoxox
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xoxo
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What an awful thing to say to you and want for you to believe, knowing your parents were so far away. Did you ever believe him? It’s a good thing that real love is a powerful force and won in the end! 🙂 xo
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I didn’t totally believe him but yes in many ways I did! 24/7 hearing what he told me! xoxo
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I can imagine that it’s a hard thing to battle 24/7 even when you know it’s not true. Soooo happy that you’re thriving in your life now. 🙂 Happy weekend to you! xo
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Thanks Anita! Hope all is well xoxo any new souffles??
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Things are going well over here, thanks!! A busy week but it was productive, so I’m happy about that. Ha ha, no, no souffles yet, but I have been thinking about trying a little baking experiment this weekend. Have you ever tried making cake in a mug? I didn’t have much flour in the house, but I have some ripe bananas, so I was thinking about making mini banana bread. I looked up some cake in a mug recipes and I’m very skeptical…mostly because they’re cooked in the microwave. I think that’s a baking sin, isn’t it? Ha ha 😉 I’m still curious, though, so I might try it and post the final verdict.
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Hmm interesting! I have never heard of that but it sure sounds interesting. Let me know if you try it! xx
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I will!! I hope it’s not too disappointing. But at least the amount of ingredients is small, so even if it doesn’t turn out, it won’t be much of a waste. 🙂 xo
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yes and it would be an interesting post Anita? Maybe this interesting thing here is how it turned out? I think it sounds different and weird, would be curious to know what happens, a cake in a mug? hmm
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The most telling line in this post is ‘as I picked up and stored away the life that did not belong to us’. It’s so sad that he tried to rob you of the life you deserved. Luckily, through good fortune and your own tenacity and strong will, you managed to regain your life and your family.
Having lived in four Middle Eastern countries for many years, I probably understand your situation more than many of your readers. We both know that your circumstances are not exclusive to the Middle East. Spouses in many parts of the world can go off the rails and put extraordinary pressure on their partners to conform to certain ‘standards’.
I’m just so happy for you that you managed to break the spell and return to a life that did (and should) belong to you.
You are one amazing woman. And I love the matter-of-fact way in which you tel your story. Push on—a book really is there.
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Thanks so much Peggy! Yes you do have a unique insight with all of your traveling and especially since you have been to Syria! Also, you are correct this is not something that is a middle eastern problem but a universal one!Thanks so much for your words of support and understanding! xxx
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Lynn, I can never fully express how delighted I am that you have been able to get yourself out of the situation. The stars were in alignment and you could think quickly on your feet. I sincerely hope you keep on giving yourself credit for all you have achieved.
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Thanks, I didn’t before and some days I still do not! I feel a great deal of shame and guilt. But, after writing stories here I have found the courage to think differently! I still blamed myself as he did for years! So this has been life changing posting stories and hearing wise words-thanks! xoxo
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What a terrible thing to say to you about your parent’s love for your Lynn. What poisonous words! What a lovely visit, but such a sad end 😦
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Thanks dear
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I think there is a confusion of “love” with “control”.
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yes I agree
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Again, WOW….
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Thanks for reading!
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Pleasure.
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There can never be a comparison between parents’ love and husband’s love…
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no you are so right!
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That was one of the most stupidest things he could have ever uttered out of his mouth and was clearly an attempt at brainwashing. Obviously he has no clue what real love is.
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I agree totally thanks dear
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I suspect HIS parents may not have loved HIM. He was displacing his lack of nurturing. A-hole. Sorry.
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yes I think you are right. He was so protective of them, I could not say one tiny word or complaint and he told me always that they were perfect while he ran my folks down every chance he had!!
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Did you and the kids spend a lot of time with his parents?
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Funny thing he never really pushed that I think more isolation. We went there to Syria maybe 5 times, spent the whole summer one time. Enough time to know them pretty well. Lets say it was the same scenario! never wanted to break that and say it but the same!!
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At least you have managed to break a sick family pattern.
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yes! I think he feels he was so much easier than his father!
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Classic verbal abuse. What a sad man. Thank heaven you had your lovely parents to remind you that unconditional love still existed. You and your children are heroes.
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Thanks so much for reading!
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