A ban

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Many people have asked me about the beginning, so I will add this little series to my story.

 

Wheat fields spiraled like a grand carpet, swaying through the summer breeze, following hills and valleys of the winding Palouse. The sun now behind me, I drove towards the small University town where my sister attended summer session. She insisted that I visit, forget the events of the past year, have fun and act my age. I was 20 years old and had spent two years at C.W.U. a small college in Washington state. I was not interested in academics, but chose to immerse myself in everything jazz, hoping one day to go on the road and make it big. It had been a year full of self discovery which included several relationships that were unsuccessful, academic uncertainty and an attempt to gain control over my weight. It all ended in a blur of emotions, packing my bags for summer, saying goodbyes and ultimately  a vow, to never let myself fall again. It was time to get back to basics, pursue dreams that had filled my head since childhood, first poetry, acting and then singing. My mind snapped back to the present as I scanned the parking lot, four grey-blue buildings stood making a horseshoe, number 3 was just in view. I parked the car and saw my sister’s silhouette in the window, peering behind the standard yellow pleated apartment curtains.

 

I grabbed my bag and made my way to the door where I was greeted by my sister and her friend, a young Saudi man.  We laughed and joked for hours until a knock on the door was met with raucous shouting, just come in!!  A slender young man entered, his curly black hair swirled and bobbed when he walked, his olive skin was warm, behind deep brown eyes a simmering glow shot repeatedly my way. When he spoke, a soft but self-assured voice struggled to put together a sentence in English. He managed to get his message across and my sister understood completely. He was in need of a ban, to make his rice, a small ban was fine. My sister looked at me and mouthed the word, pan. He held the pan and smiled at me, making his way out the door just as easily and effortlessly as he had entered. He was somehow different, respectful and calm, but I remembered the vow I had taken and shook my head when my sister gave me an inquiring and hopeful look.

129 thoughts on “A ban”

        • Thank you Marci! At first it was awful, like opening a huge bad wound, but people have helped me think and move on. To be honest (ashamed to admit this) if I had not blogged I might have allowed him back, not out of love but fear!!! All of you have told me THIS is wrong and you deserve more! So, that has empowered me. This is the time when he always comes, so it is tense and I feel anxious but I also feel I have backing! Thanks

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  8. It is called the Honeymoon stage Lynn in terms of Abuse-and the cycle of Abuse. It is VERY normal. Keep writing so that others will understand just how in the world this could happen to a good, intelligent woman like yourself-it has no barriers, no social/economics/they are however perpetrators none-the-less…He is an IDIOT! Your Bestie 2 xoxoxo

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    • You are so kind. For me, years in that life, it is a shame for women to be very much seen! I am now free but it is still hard! I am a big loud person but now more to myself and not an outgoing person. So, I have not done anything except raise the kids and try to just keep going.

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  18. I’m sure it’s difficult to be honest, and fair, about the beginning. This Reads really well, Lynn.
    Isn’t it funny how, in ways we feel like the same person and in other ways we have grown and learned and changed so much.
    What would you tell that girl now?

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    • Wow, I would say love yourself and see you are a good person, worthy! I left a couple of broken relationships, funny thing when I caught up with 2 of these people on facebook, they told me that I ran away and one said I BROKE his heart and he had been in love with me! I felt that I was nothing, fat and ugly and didn’t really see what actually happened!!! So, love yourself and believe in you.

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      • OMG, how different life would have been if you had embraced and loved yourself and perhaps married one of the “others”. I am dreaming now.
        Susie
        Do you think you can get together now if they are “free” ?

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        • Well I am still married, still in this mess and I don’t think that will change. I am just happy he has not written saying he intends to come here! this time of year is when he usually comes, and when he came last year! So, I am anxious! Also, my kids have been through so much so I would never put them through anything that might not turn out well. They need my help, it took three years to get the youngest kids situated in school. Then I sat for 3 months at the school in the hall, never leaving so that my son would stay! He is now happy and doing well this is year 4 in school. So, no I can’t even think of that and would never be able to trust again. Thanks for your caring and concern xx

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  29. I’m so glad you’ve decided to write about the beginning of your relationship Lynn…it’s amazing how different things are when you first meet and court…I’m curious to see where it all started to go south…and at the same time I’m relieved that you’re free from him (for the most part) 🙂

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  31. Oh Lynn. I am glad you felt these attractions and saw positive qualities in your husband. The good parts will make your children know they were born out of love. It is funny how the beginnings always seem so special. . . otherwise we would run! Hugs! xo

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  32. I thought I knew your entire story and then this post comes. Now I know where it all started. Often reading your posts, I could have so easily believed that you were a Middle Eastern woman with an American passport, tied to a Middle Eastern husband- it was very difficult to even think of you as pure bred American- you had integrated yourself so, into Saudi society. Kudos to you that you did all you could to get into the culture and lifestyles and perhaps even learnt the language and the religious beliefs. It shows how adaptable you were and how tolerant and patient and forgiving. You are a great person and I think you are going to have a great life forward.
    When I started blogging two years back, I was going through some personal turmoil too but blogging and a lot of support from blog friends helped me get my life on track and to believe in myself. Having anonymous friends and strangers who care about you really helps, when we are deep down in trouble.
    Maybe you can take up jazz again.
    Susie

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  34. I agree with Cameron…what a bore!!!! I love the fields of wheat…makes me homesick for Eastern Washington….sending you love an hugs my frined…so glad your back where you belong with your beautiful family!!! kat

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  36. The part from where it all began, must have felt so good then like most budding relationships. If only you knew what was to come, Lynn ! Nevertheless the best part is that it’s all in the past, and now you are in a safe and happier place 🙂 Thanks for sharing.

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  37. Oh, how young and vulnerable you were! The perfect target for someone like him. 😦
    My first reaction was wanting to turn back time so you never met him, but then you wouldn’t have your beautiful children. He can never take that gift away from you.
    Hope you are having a wonderful day, Lynn.

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