For the first 10 days I stood assuredly, revoking the authority that had been given away freely for decades. A sudden and powerful confidence blossomed and filled my soul with a compelling strength. I spoke out against ridiculous edicts and demands, a voice that had faded through stifling oppression had now become audible and confident. I heard myself saying ” no, this is my home too” and even though a smile widened across his mouth, a cold and calculating disdain rose from within his eyes.
Waves of uncertainty came and went as I struggled to hold onto the increasing power that I felt. It was hard to imagine why I had stayed silent for so long and it seemed as if my words now meant something. Nagging guilt surrounded me as I fought between the urge to stand up and the reality I had known for 30 years. As a dutiful wife it had been ingrained into my very soul that there were obligations and rights that should not be neglected and that my submission was needed to secure his love and approval.
At every turn I reminded him that this was also my home and that permission should be taken before making alterations. He appeared to be a watered down version of his former self and smiled making sure to secure my acceptance before continuing with the projects he had planned. I felt confident that I had made headway that I was now in charge of my own life and home until one too many refusals came to a head and sent his temper spiraling out of control.
A small but visible red splotch was a constant reminder of my attempt at regaining misappropriated power that had now faded back into anxiety and fear. Humiliation, shame and confusion swirled through my mind, now shattered by recent events. I clumsily picked up remnants of the morning routine, socks, a lunch bag and laundry that needed attention. I wandered aimlessly with a strange robotic purpose, stopping momentarily to nod at him, hoping to keep the situation from escalating. This feeling had not been present since we stood in the marble hallway preparing to leave Saudi, never to return. But here it was again, debilitating fear that taunted me, reminding me of the person who had been skillfully manufactured and sworn to live in secrecy.
He marched confidently around the property, hammering and making changes wherever he saw fit, mocking the work I had done, threatening to tear out flower beds and build walls. Any sign of individuality was taken as an affront to a vision carefully groomed for years. He made holes in window sills to anchor shades, dug up newly planted grass to put up shoddy wooden stairs and made certain to leave his residual stamp throughout the residence.
Total idiot! Re-plant your flower bed-double its size Lynn. His only stamp there is in name only. Each passing day will lessen whatever hold you feel he still has on you-(which by the way isn’t much anymore…). Hugs xoxoxo b-2
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Thanks so much dear bestie for the constant support xoxo
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Most welcome! xoxx
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xoxoxo
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Lynn, your words are so important to share. For anyone who has ever felt the oppression that comes from feeling powerless under a another person’s abuse, your words speak to the strength that comes for finally ridding yourself of their control. Beautifully written my friend. I hope you replanted your garden & that is flourishes under your love & tender care.
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You are so kind Lynn! Thank you for these beautiful words! xxx
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Wonderfully written, Lynn. I felt the anger and humiliation. Thinking he was so powerful. And was losing that power. Hope you’re doing well! xx
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Thanks Jenny, I am feeling better slowly. Thanks so much for caring xx
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You’re so welcome 🌷
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xoxo
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I can’t say I’m enjoying these posts, because that’s not the right word for what I feel – anger at him, hopefulness for you and your life now, etc. Perhaps I should say that I am captivated by the posts, as that expresses it much better.
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Thanks so much Sarah! I appreciate you saying that! I am trying to fight anxiety and feel better xxx
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Glad you are getting this out. It is something that many women need to hear. Hope your healing is continuing.
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Thanks so much Marci. I am trying my best xoxo
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My language when I read your posts is unprintable! As ever, you express yourself so powerfully.
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Thank you so much dear Sarah xxxx
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Urg, he makes me sick….sorry Lynn. Just all in the life of an abuser. So glad you are out of there and are now your own person. Hugs xxx
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Thanks so much dear lynne xoxo
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He may have left his residual stamp in your dwelling, but not in your spirit. Well written, Lynn. We are with you.
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Thanks so much Van xxx
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Very good to know, that this monster lives in another country and you should be in safety now, dear Sister.
You do really need to find out to get away, you know, what I mean, this will give you so much more peace in mind and this is a promise Lynn.
Love ❤
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Thanks my dear sister Irene! You are a constant support and touch my life with hope! xxx
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There is hope and you are in the right direction 🙂
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Thanks so much sis xoxo
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I don’t know how you put up with it. I’m so glad you are out of there and safe, Lynn.
Leslie
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Thanks so much Leslie xx
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Hugs to you, Lynn.
Leslie
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Thanks so much xx
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❤ ❤ ❤
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xoxo
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🙂
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It seems such a short time ago, and yet you have come so far. Your strength continues to grow. (K)
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Thanks so much K xx
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Like everyone else I feel great unease and not a little distress when reading these posts, but inside I am also cheering you on and gaining strength from your strength. This is such a brave thing to do. 💜
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Thanks so very much! I appreciate your support xoxo
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Your words of struggle and his abuse disturb me, and I am very glad you are out of there and healing. I hope the writing down of these experiences and the support you receive here are helping you Lynn. You are deserving of many wonderful things in your life.
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Thanks so much dear Terry! You are a wonderful support to me xx
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He felt your rising power clearly and he must have been pretty aware of the fact that his power of you and his dictation was coming to an end. What he did sounds like a last desperate try to daunt you OR to deny the inevitable for!
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Hmm that is very true Erika! I blamed myself for standing up and I felt I made trouble by sticking up for myself. But,you are right! xoxoxoThanks dear
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Of course, you doubted your actions! You practiced it too long. But something broke through that doubted the doubts!💖💖💖
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I would be tempted to plant a garden full of poisonous plants were it not for the danger that would be for your children and their little ones!
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Sending you hugs
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Thank you so much
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I don’t know how you do it
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It’s hard and now I am dealing with anxiety after 34 years of this so trying to feel better and do some healing. Thank you are reading.
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It is such a great outlet for you to write about this. You are helping others.
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I hope I am helping
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You are ! I think you’re a strong woman.
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Thanks!
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Reading this broke my heart, Lynne. He took such satisfaction in destruction. How cruel. Ripping up the flower beds to build walls is almost metaphorical, a tearing apart and barricading of beauty. You go on and bloom now ❤
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Thanks so much! xxx
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And what good did it do him?
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yes you are so right
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My momma told me that if I have nothing nice to say then I shouldn’t say it. LOL. I have nothing nice to say about him, but I want to thank you for continuing to share your story.
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Thanks so much for reading and your support!
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Always Lynz.
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Xxx
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These posts are gripping and powerful Lynn, and the content is heartrending to say the least. He was a monster to live with, determined to belittle and humiliate you at every turn. I hope the divorce will be soon and your separation will be complete.
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Thanks so much Millie! So good to see you xxx
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Oh Lynn! I hope you went back after HE tried taking away from you and made it even better! And SMILED while you worked!!!!
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Thanks sweet Alice xx
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Oh my, the rage that must have seethed through him when you stood up for yourself. His only recourse was to methodically undo what you had so lovingly done. You are winning in the end, but I know you are still fighting the battle. Stay strong. You are supported by children and followers who want only the best for you. Sending hugs.
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Thanks so very much Peggy! I think you are right it made him furious and I felt foolish but could not allow him to once again tear down what we had worked hard on. Thanks for caring and supporting me xxx
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YAY!! Good for you for speaking up against him!! You are a strong powerful woman!!
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Thanks dear xx
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You’re welcome, Lynn.
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All of his bravado was false and he acts the bully because of his cowardice. I’m glad you are writing this again.
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Thanks!!! xoxo
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He really is an asshat….my girlfriend, just let him do what ever he wants….its just stuff….stand strong, head high and be proud of who you are….when he leaves then you get the wonderful feeling of tearing apart all the crap he did…hes only doing it to bother you, to prove he can…let the fucker do as he will….don’t have an opinion on any of it….leave, go for a long walk….fuck him and his ego….sorry for the foul mouth, but its hard to speak nicely of such an asshole…..you did great, you do have a voice, but in my opinion all the stuff he is doing is just his way of staying in control…or at least he thinks he is in control….he wasn’t you were…..just keep hearing me on your shoulder….you are woman hear me roar……xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxkat
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Thanks sweet sister and dear Kat! xxx I am trying to rebuild my strength and confidence! xxxx
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you got this sister….don’t let a man bring you down …..let him own his own BS and you stand proud and tall……xxxxxkat
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Thanks I will try xx
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ugh!!!! the red splotches? you are not hurting yourself are you?
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No when he grabbed me he slapped my back and then threw me down the hall, then started chasing me. Tha is what happened.
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Oh my! Oh Lynn! So sorry! I’m glad it wasn’t you though. I don’t know why I thought that when I read it. xoxo
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No problem dear Jodi! I saw Kr made your tart! I have to try it yumm
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Oh Lynn. You must try. Soooo yummy. 😉
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Yes I must!!
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Reading this makes me cringe, but that is quelled by the fact that I know the beast is gone and you have regained your life back Lynn. As always, I send hugs for your ever-growing courage and tenacity. ❤ xoxo
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Thanks dear KR xx
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Like a tom-cat pissing on it’s turf … a tom-cat who has hissed and arched his back and struck out with claws outstretched from paws that once upon a time seemed soft and harmless. You write so well, my friend. This range of emotions you illicit from me as you reader is breathtaking. And I am glad you are finding the strength within yourself to get this awful stinking period out of your insides and onto paper. I wish you strength and I hope with all my heart that this is not making you too anxious. Bon courage, ma belle amie xxxxxx
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Thanks dearest Fiona for your support and love! I am not sure how it makes me feel but I never thought I would write it down so I think it does help to just say it! Much love dear xxx
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Hopefully it lifts the lid on the pressure cooked a little …. xxx
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I hope xx
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Me too. I really do. xxx
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xoxoxo
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Plant flower to remind you of how beautiful life is and send him plenty of pictures.
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Thanks JC!!
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Your endurance is amazing, Lynn. I hope your garden grows with so many beautiful flowers that his memory is buried in their glory.
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Thank you that is lovely and kind xxxxx
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Wow, how cruel. I get so upset when I read your posts sometimes. I can’t believe he tried to take everything, even ‘you’ from you. I hope you are enjoying planting flower beds today 😀
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Thanks so much! I hope healing is happening haha
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These lines are chilling: ‘even though a smile widened across his mouth, a cold and calculating disdain rose from within his eyes.’
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I was so intent on speaking my mind and being brave I tried to not care but I felt it
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It’s so great to read that you were finding your confidence to stand up to him! There was bound to be a set back when he got really abusive, but set backs are the stepping stones to comebacks!
In the time he’s been gone you’ve grown so much. Keeping you in my thoughts! xx
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Thanks so much xxx
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Very powerful! Your emotions of being under oppression resonates the story! So glad you are out of the situation!
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Thanks PJ xxx
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xoxox
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xoxo
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Destroying beauty is so much VIP. So glad you are out of this!
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Thanks xx tried calling back but it wont ring
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I’ve missed so much. One day when I have time I have to go back and read. I hope you eventually publish a memoir.
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Thanks
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Lynn, his treatment of you sickens me. It heartens me that you have slowly retaken your self and are growing stronger in your new-found confidence. ❤
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Thanks I hope I can xx
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I can’t help but think that this bully who tried to make you small by wielding his power over you has done the opposite. Not only just for you Lynz, but for that oppressed and abused woman who right now is reading your post and gaining strength from your experience.
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Thanks so much Steph. It is hard to talk about, I feel great shame, guilt and fear but I hope someone can benefit from what I have to say. Thanks for caring dear Steph!
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We’re in your corner Lynz. No one deserves to suffer the treatment you endured and I just know because of your words you are helping others.
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That really motivates me Steph and makes me feel there is a purpose to write. Thank you xx
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Yes, you must. I know I must have mentioned this before, the way you convey your story is very powerful. And if you felt powerless when you were with him rest assured you’re sharing your renewed sense of strength with others so that they too can extricate themselves from their toxic relationships.
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Thanks so much! I don’t feel powerful at all but I guess I better start telling myself that and realizing it as well. Thanks Steph your words do make a difference! xx
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💖💖💖
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Your story is such an important testimony to there is a way out from that kind of mental and physical abuse.
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Thanks x
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Beautifully written Lynn! I know it will help others and give them strength and courage!!
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Thanks so much!
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You did so well to stand up to him, and you’ve just got stronger and stronger ever since xxx you look really well x
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Thanks dear Elaine xxx
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This sounds like a period of controlled endurance since you have “woken up” and thought you were on your way and then get this treatment of his trying to unravel what you have taken so long to build up.
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That is exactly right!
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Lyn, this was so powerful and painful. Many people say to just speak up, say something. But they don’t understand the consequences that often follow from doing so. And how it is this that makes you feel like a caged animal with no escape. Your writing was strong and clear and powerfully written. My heart goes out to you! Hugs!!!
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Thanks dear xx
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xoxo
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xoxo
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This is so well written and it hurts just to read what you went through – feel shaken thinking about you being there in that madness. They say less is often more and this is so true in your writing here, about his blow-out the result, the concentration on detail all too eloquent.
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Thanks so much Annika, that means a great deal to me coming from you!!
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Big huggs for you, Lynz!
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thanks
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Well done. However, I do have to backtrack and read from the beginning. Keep your spirit up and I will comment again. ☺
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Thanks!
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