It is the day before Thanksgiving and as I sit under the red blanket from mom, lights from our first small Christmas tree cast a shimmer on the window. Thoughts of previous years run through my mind, children, grand babies, turkey, game tournaments and also anxiety.No one is up yet and as usual my 3:30 wake up comes and goes without notice. Hot steaming coffee is enjoyed from a large Christmas mug and a calm silence once again highlights the living room and kitchen clocks that keep time with a back and forth ticking pattern.
This has become my time, early morning starlight, fog, frost and glory. Some days I wonder what progress has really been made and then in quiet moments like this I remember and remind myself it is the little things that can ultimately turn out to be the quite large things.
I was once a valiant fighter and keeper of household peace and at times a stone monument unwavering and bold. Diapers, school trips, no electricity, no beds, mix batter, fold laundry, smile and breathe. In what seemed like a mere blink, I found myself reduced to a child like state, unable to manage the tiniest of tasks. But now a rebuilding and knowledge that I can move on and begin again has truly taken hold and for that and so many other things I am grateful.
I am thankful for:
1. My faith
2. My family; children and their partners, my parents, my three grand babies, my sister, nieces and nephews, my special cousin/sister, brother in laws, extended family.
3. Each child of mine and their heroic efforts to live and breathe in freedom. To love me without conditions or expectations. My heart and soul!
4. My mother and mentor who taught me to be my best no matter what.
5. My father who gave me courage and the strength to be me.
6. My sweet grand babies who have helped me to heal and have brought a new sense of purpose to my life and their amazing mommy who accepts me for the Grama that I am.
7. My friends who have encouraged and supported me
8. The ability to cook meals unhindered by anxiety for the most part.
9. Gorgeous nature God has put before me on a daily basis.
10. Being able to walk and exercise.
11. A significant reduction in anxiety and panic, good physical and mental health.
12. Overcoming an eating disorder that was part of the abuse cycle.
13. Having a home.
14. Having food, clean water and medical care.
15. Realizing I cannot be and am not perfect and neither are my family and friends.
16. publishing a book.
17. For my daughter’s marriage and her very special husband.
18. An engagement and upcoming wedding for my eldest daughter and her wonderful beloved.
19. Last but certainly not least, getting to spend special time with my lovely sister, mom and dad again as a little family unit!
One foot and then the next builds a path to freedom.